


All my Hope

by BeccatheBiscuitBaker



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Depression, Evan is a sad boi, F/M, Funerals, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 14:59:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15865977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeccatheBiscuitBaker/pseuds/BeccatheBiscuitBaker
Summary: Evan came clean about the letters, he lost all his friends, and is trying to forget the Connor Project. Too bad that Evan’s manifestation of Connor won’t leave him the hell alone.





	All my Hope

**Author's Note:**

> I tried my best on spelling, there will probably be typos.

Evan was sitting on his bed with his laptop, nothing new for him on a Friday night. He was working on scholarship essays since he desperately needed the money. He rolled up his sweatshirt sleeves as he worked. Nothing could be heard but the clicking of the keys on the keyboard. Evan got a notification that Jared was online, but Evan knew better than to try and make contact. 

_“Fuck you Evan! Asshole!”_

Then Alana’s picture popped up too. 

_“Because I know what it’s like to feel invisible, just like Connor. To feel invisible and alone and like nobody would even notice if you vanished into thin air! I bet you used to know what that felt like too.”_

Evan was getting that feeling more and more throughout the recent months. He didn’t even try contacting Zoe after he admitted the truth, he unfollowed her on all social media and deleted her number from his phone. He was truly alone now.

“This is depressing” a familiar smooth voice tsked. “Almost eighteen years old and you still sit alone on Friday night. Nice move Hansen.” 

“What do you want” Evan cried, looking up at Connor. “I did what you wanted! I told the truth! Leave me alone!” 

“What are you...” 

“GO AWAY” Evan shouted, throwing a book at Connor. 

When Evan really needed Connor, or his brains version of Connor would be a better discripton, to go away, he’d throw a book, or anything not breakable, and the figure would vanish. Not tonight. 

“WHAT THE FUCK” Connor screamed, covering his face with his hand where the boom hit him. “WHY’D YOU THROW A BOOK AT ME?!” 

“It hit you” Evan jumped. “Why didn’t it go through you?” 

“I’m not a fucking ghost Hansen” Connor growled. 

Evan backed up to the wall. This wasn’t happening. No, it’s not possible. 

“You’re dead” Evan whispered. 

“No, I faked my death” Connor corrected. “I thought if my parents thought I ran away I could get away from it all and come back like nothing happened. Clearly that didn’t work, cause apparently you and I are buddies.” 

I’m dreaming” Evan said to himself. “Or I’m dead. Either would work.” 

“You’re not dreaming or dead Hansen” Connor assured, sitting across from the taller boy. “You can feel me, I’m actually here.” 

Evan hesitantly reached out and touched Connor’s hand. It was warm. This couldn’t be happening. Evan glanced at where the book had clipped Connor’s forehead, it was bleeding. He couldn’t do this anymore. 

“I’ll get you a bandage” Evan mumbled, walking to his bathroom. 

Evan closed the door behind him and locked it. He felt around in his pockets and pulled out a pen and paper. He wrote hastily and grabbed his meds from the cabinet before downing the whole bottle. 

“You okay Hansen” Connor’s voice called. 

Evan grabbed a bandaid and slid it under the door. Only a few more minutes.

“I’m just not feeling well” Evan replied, voice even. “Don’t mind me.” 

“Thanks for the bandaid asshole” Connor sighed. “How’re things with Zoe?” 

“She broke up with me” Evan grumbled from his side of the door. “Why’d you come here.” 

“Just to see what would happen” Connor shrugged. “Nothing else.” 

Evan quietly unlocked the door and laid down in the bathtub. He took his razor and started cutting deep lines in his arms.

“Oh, cool” Evan groaned, trying to hide his discomfort. “Sorry for hitting you with a book.” 

“I shoved you, it’s okay” Connor chuckled. “How about Klienman, he’s your friend right?” 

“Nope” Evan frowned, watching the blood drip onto his shirt, soaking the grey fabric or his hoodie. Would it be faster if he slit his throat? “He called me an asshole, which I deserved, and left. Alana doesn’t talk to me either. Now it really is true, no one would notice if I dissapeared tonight.” 

“Why’d you write that” Connor asked. “I...your letter voiced what I didn’t know how to express. Why did you write it?” 

“Remember when I said I fell out of a tree” Evan coughed, cutting himself more along his arms. “I lied. I let go. And I didn’t even pass out when I hit the ground I just...laid there. Wondering if anyone would notice, and no one did. I’m sorry I fucked with your family’s life. It was the worst idea ever.” 

Evan bit the bullet and cut the line along his throat. He barely heard Connor over his internal screaming.

“I mean...I did say that we could pretend to be friends” Connor recalled. “I guess you could say that I gave you permission in a way. Have you...attempted since the tree.” 

“Not until now” Evan answered. 

“What” Connor jumped. The door opened and Evan looked up at Connor. “What the hell!” 

Evan heard the front door close. Heidi was home. Fantastic. 

“You should get out of here before she sees you” Evan whispered. 

“I...but...” 

“Just go, maybe I’ll live. I don’t really want to though. I love you.” 

“What?” 

“All my hope is pinned on Zoe” Evan repeated. “Who I don’t know and who doesn’t know me. It was never her, it was you. And you can say I was a dick, cause I was, but I only dated her because I thought I had no chance of seeing you again.” 

“Evan” Heidi called. “I have dinner!” 

“I...Evan...why?” 

“Cause why risk getting made fun of for being gay” Evan mumbled. “Or bi in my case. Now leave.” 

Connor went to stand, but he turned back at the last second and kissed Evan, hard. His eyes were filled with tears when he pulled back. 

“I’m sorry you love a monster like me” Connor whispered. “And I’m sorry I can’t say it back. But if I had the chance I would take it, so I’m sorry. Goodbye.” 

Connor walked out of the bathroom and Evan saw him open the window and crawl out, closing it behind him before jumping to the tree in the front yard. Evan heard footsteps and closed his eyes. He was ready. 

Evan was gone when Heidi found him a few minutes later, blood loss and the overdose being his cause of death. Heidi of course, instantly found the note after she called 911. 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I guess this is where I apologize. I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you and your family. So yeah, I’m sorry. Now for the actual part I need to get to._

_Nobody else understands me. What’s worse is, nobody else wants to try. You’re the best friend I have._

_Or, let’s face it: the only friend I have. It’s just you and me here, so let’s be honest with ourselves. Because why not, right?_

_Mom didn’t want me. Dad didn’t want to stay. Mom got stuck with me. Mom had to deal with me. Dad got to start over. Why didn’t we get to start over? Nobody lets us start over. Why does nobody ever let you start over? Why can’t I start over? I want to start over so badly, I want to be somebody new, but I look in the mirror and, big surprise, I’m still the same old me._

_Everybody else has a family. I just have parents. Everybody else has a home. I just have a house. A lonely little house, with a tiny little bed, and the carpets have smelled weird since the day we moved in. Everybody else has dreams. I just have setbacks. Everybody else has a network. I just have Facebook. Everybody else has connection. I just have collisions._

_And then there’s you. Like, all my hope is pinned on you. Like, everything I have is invested in you. Like, my entire existence is wrapped up in you. Like, everything would be okay if only there were you. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But I feel like if I knew you, I could love you. And I feel like if you knew me..._

_Who am I kidding? Let’s be honest with ourselves. Let’s just try to be honest with ourselves._

_Never going to happen. You don’t care. Does anybody even care? If I disappear tonight nobody’s going to care._

_They only know my name because of you._

_I’m giving up. I’m giving in. I’m not fighting it anymore. Nothing changes. It doesn’t get better. It doesn’t get easier. You don’t get any wiser. You just get older. Your skin gets thinner. Your nerves get weaker. Your feelings get hurt enough times that you’d rather not feel anymore. You give up. I give up._

_I give up. Once and for all, I give up._

_Sincerely, the guy who couldn’t find the way to talk to you,_

_Me_

 

 

A week later Evan had his funeral. The Murphy’s came, The Kleinmans came, and Alana came. Connor came too. Well...he showed up before his family arrived and said goodbye to Evan. Heidi was the only one there. 

“Did you know Evan” Heidi asked, eyes puffy. 

“No, but I wish I did” Connor sighed. “I think we would have been friends if I had known him.” 

“And, who are you?” 

“Connor Murphy” Connor greeted. “I was never dead. I ran away. You’d think that my family and the police would be smarter than they were, but they weren’t. I’m sorry for pulling Evan into that mess.” 

Heidi smiled weakly and wrapped Connor in a hug. Connor hugged back and felt Heidi’s tears on his shoulder. 

“He loved you” Heidi whispered, handing Connor the note. 

Connor read the note and felt his own tears well up. The teen went to hand the note back, but Heidi shook her head. 

“It’s addressed to you” Heidi smiled. “You should keep it.” 

“Did you want him?” 

“Not at first, no. He wasn’t planned. I’m done lying to myself. My son is dead. And the boy he loved isn’t. I expect you to come over for dinner Connor, I want to know what Evan saw in you. And I’d like to see how much of what Evan said was true.” 

“After I become one with the living again” Connor nodded. “I’m meeting my parents today. I already went to the poliece, they let me come here for this and an officer is to pick me up in five minutes. Thank you for letting me say goodbye, even if I never truly said hello.” 

Heidi gave Connor another hug and kissed his forehead like a mother would before sending him out. Connor got into the poliece car when it arrived and he drove off. 

 

 

Jared sat with Alana and Zoe at lunch. Evan had been dead for two weeks. Zoe had been quieter since the funeral and Alana gave up on trying to fill the empty space with meaningless talk. 

“I’ve gotta go” Zoe sighed, getting up from the table. 

Jared and Alana didn’t stop her. When another chair was filled in Zoe’s place Jared assumed it was Dustin Kropp or someone like that. 

“Asshole Kleinman” the person greeted. “Alana. Nice to see you again.” 

Jared looked up and felt his eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. Connor Murphy. 

“Yeah yeah, I know I’m supposedly dead” Connor sighed. “I ran away. I was never dead. Don’t ask. Jared, Heidi asked me to ask if you wanted to come over for dinner.” 

“Are you seriously pulling the same shit Evan did” Jared exclaimed. 

“Heidi and I talked before the funeral. She wants to get to know me, I want to know about Evan. Are you coming or not?” 

“Why do you care” Jared frowned. “About the Hansen’s. Why Evan?”

“Evan’s letter, the one I used as a fake suicide note” Connor explained. “It said that all his hope was pinned on Zoe. But Evan’s suicide note that he wrote said differently.” 

Connor pulled a folded piece of paper out from his pocket. He pointed to a specific paragraph and the fact that the note was addressed to Connor himself. And Jared kept reading. 

“Oh my god” Jared whispered. 

“He loved you” Alana whimpered. “Connor, I’m so sorry.” 

Jared watched Alana throw her arms around Connor and the teen rolled his eyes. Alana was a sap. When Connor was released Jared held out his hand for Connor to shake. 

“If you meant that much to Evan then I guess we have to learn to get along” Jared sighed. “I’ll come to dinner.” 

Connor gave a small smile and shook Jared’s hand.

 

 

Heidi watched Jared and Connor banter. She felt a pang in her chest knowing she could imagine Jared teasing them if they had ever gotten the chance to meet properly. Heidi sighed and put away the last glass. 

“Heidi” Jared called. “My mom’s here.” 

“Have a good night Jared” Heidi hummed. 

Heidi and to wiping down the counter when Connor approached her. 

“Would you mind if I looked in his room” Connor asked. 

“Go for it” Heidi chuckled. 

Connor smiled and went up the stairs. Heidi finished cleaning before she followed. Connor was sitting on the center of the bed with his head down. Heidi’s mind made her picture Connor talking with Evan. She saw them hanging out like real friends, curled up on the couch together, just being happy. Heidi noticed a notebook in Connor’s hand. 

“He didn’t just write one letter to me” Connor mumbled. 

“What does that one say” Heidi asked.

Those letters were the closest thing she had to the real Evan, not the one that just smiled and nodded. 

“Dear Connor Murphy” Connor read. “I’m just jotting this down quickly. I’m going to start making a list of things I notice about you. That way if I ever get the nerve to talk to you, I can prove that I’m not just being dared to talk to you like I know you would expect. Okay, here we go. 

You play with your hair when nervous. In the bottom right corner of your right eye, your eye color is brown. It’s hard to tell because of lighting but I can see it. Your favorite word is ‘fuck’ because it’s the word I’ve heard you say the most. 

I know that’s not much, but it’s what I’ve noticed today. I’m sorry you’ll never meet me or read this, and I just want you to know that I think my mom would love you, just like I do. But it would be motherly love in her case, she isn’t creepy. 

Sincerely me.”

Heidi collapsed on the bed next to Connor. She grabbed his hand and felt her face crumple. 

“I miss him so much” Heidi whispered. 

“Me too” Connor nodded. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay Connor” Heidi assured. “Thank you for being here. That shows how much you wanted to know.” 

Connor nodded and helped Heidi up. They returned downstairs and talked until Connor’s parents arrived. The boy left and Heidi sat down on the couch. She hadn’t felt this small in a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Umm...I think this is the saddest thing I’ve ever wrote, just because I’m not shying away from it this time. I’ve done deaths before, but this one gives me chills, kinda.


End file.
